Boy and me time

We told the children at the weekend that they would be getting a baby brother.

I have two stepchildren, Boy who is 4 and Girl who is 2.  It was very difficult to determine how Boy would take the news, especially as despite my efforts of bonding with him, keeps me at arms length.  

Girl wasn't going to be a problem and we had no real apprehension about telling her so while she was having her afternoon nap, we sat Boy down and asked how he would feel about having a little brother.

It is important to know that Boy is attached to his Daddy 99% of the time.  He has only just started kissing me goodbye and goodnight, yet is still reluctant to do so having known him for 1 year.  Cuddles and cutesy 4 year old comments do not come my way and Boy strugglew with even acknowledging me at times.  Whilst his behaviour towards me has improved with time and a lot of patience, Boy has been through a lot and I do not blame him for his behaviour  towards me, I only wish it was easier; for him and for me.  Boy lives with his Mummy and remembers his Daddy being the one to leave which fills Frank with guilt and his Mummy with control.

Having said all of this, I cannot tell you how elated and relieved I was at his reaction.  It made me tearful to say the least.  Tears of absolute happiness that even if his attention towards me would last only one day, he was besotted with me and his baby brother.  I had hundreds of questions fired at me; "what's he doing now? What's his name? Will I be able to cuddle him?  Can I cuddle him now?  What do I call you now? Can I cuddle by baby brother? Can I kiss him goodnight?"  With all this in mind, he didn't leave my side and crawled upon my welcoming lap for lots of long awaited and emotional cuddles.  I felt accepted, wanted and importantly a bond between Boy and I; something I feared would never happen.  I wanted to freeze time and have "Boy and me time" to last a decade.  For the first time in a year, it was about Frank and me and our family, I was no longer sitting on the sidelines wishing I could join in with family time, I was part of family time.

Girl, bless her, kind of gets it; rubs my tummy and says "baby in belly".  When we asked her if she wanted to kiss her baby brother goodnight she looked up at us with shear confusion!! "No" shaking her head and backing away!! We did chuckle at her reaction as she simply waved at my tummy and softly said "nigh nigh".

So will my "Boy and me time" last, or will I have to carry those memories with me once the novelty wears off for Boy?

I cannot tell you how heartbreaking it is to give your heart and mothering instincts to a child and them not want it.  Them not wanting you to be a part of their family or even consider you to be a friend.  Whilst I try to be patient and understand the Boys own heartache and feelings, I can't help but hope for more "Boy and me" time.

Should I or shouldn't I?

So, Frank (my other half) is somewhat intrigued at this whole 'blogging malarkey!'  His question to me...."can I read it then?".  I don't know the answer.


I've already divulged to you, that this blog is a selfish mechanism, I need to be honest and true to myself and to you, that reader, looking through the glass at these words.  I need to heal.  I need to take this journey but do I end up as a butterfly by keeping Frank away from my cautious steps along this journey, or do I let him in?


These words may not mean much to you or to Frank but they are in fact an insight into my soul.  Each word I type is a step along my journey.


Whilst Frank and I have no secrets (any more), it is important to admit to ones self that you do not make all your feelings all of the time known to your other half.  It's sometimes not necessary, worth it or even fair - so do I share this with him or do I take the road of selfishness?

What happens if I want to post something that may not meet Frank's personal opinion?  That pinches those feelings of his or makes him question me?  You could say that Franks view will help me tread some of those difficult steps.  But what if I decide to skip some of those steps so that he doesn't get hurt - then it defeats the object of my open, honest and necessary journey.


So the question remains, "Should I or shouldn't I" let him read on?

Oh, it's a Boy

So we had our 20 week scan.  

I always thought I'd have a girl. I don't know why, maybe because it's in my comfort zone having grown up with my sister.  It's what I know, I know what to expect with a girl.

To find out that we are having a boy, I'm not going to lie, we were disappointed.  Frank has one of each already so I'm not sure his disappointment was for the same reasons as mine.  I just thought that I would be better at mothering a girl.

Feeling disappointed about the sex of your unborn child is a controversial topic.  There are forums out there which you hope to gain support from, instead, you receive an attack of peoples personal opinions (which they are entitled to) yet are delivered with malice and accusation.  

Just because there was an element of disappointment initially, doesn't make us bad parents, love our son any less; I'm of the opinion that it is human to have these emotions & whilst I appreciate that there are readers out there that don't share this view with me, we are entitled to our own opinions! I've read posts "try losing a child then u won't care if it's a boy or a girl" OR "some people can't have children, don't be selfish". Yes & I sympathise with those people, it has taken me years to conceive, I didn't think I could be a mother so I understand where those points of view are coming from, but I simply don't share them. We are human, we all have preferences & whilst our baby boy was not what we'd initially thought we were having; we are so thrilled about having a boy, having him carry on Frank's family name is so special! 

So I have turned a corner, I am excited about having a son (who will no doubt tower over me when he is 10 as I am only 5ft!).

Oh it's a boy... not so much disappointment but love and excitement instead!

Now to tell the step-kids...

...My First Step

OK, one foot in front of the other!
Knowing where to start is always my problem.  And whilst it might make sense to start at the beginning, my life right now is what prompted me to start this blog, reveal my scary moments and share my life with you; a perfect stranger.
Lets start with some facts:

• I am 29 and live in a house with my partner Frank. (I really don't like his name!)
• I am a step mum to his two young children. (Which I struggle with)
• We have them most weekends and one night mid week.
• Both children are under 5. One boy and one girl.
• I didn't think I could have children of my own.
• I am pregnant with my first child, am 19 and a half weeks and have my 20 week scan tomorrow!
• I used to be a compulsive liar.
• I have prenatal depression.
• I'm scared.

With those few facts now in the open, I wonder how close your nose is pressed up to the pane of glass that separates us right now?  Is the glass steaming up?  Are you taking a step back?  Are you relating to any of my bullet point facts about myself?  Are you judging me yet?  I hope so.

The above bullet points give you a snapshot of my life.  A life I am so very grateful for yet to me seems complex.  Does it to you?

I am a good person but haven't always been an honest one.  Will you join me in my journey?  Will you hold my hand or will you let go when the truth becomes difficult to comprehend?